A letter to Britney Spears

Dear Britney –

I must admit, I’m not a huge fan of your music. But since you burst on to the popular music scene as a bubble-blowing princess in your school-girl outfit, I’ll admit your songs have been catchy and even worth some dancing in my car. My sister in particular liked Toxic.

That said, what the hell are you doing to yourself? Or more importantly, what the hell are you letting others do to you?

It really makes me sad. I want to fly to Los Angeles, smack you hard upside the head, grab you by the hand, make you put on underwear, shoes when you enter a filthy public bathroom (that is truly gross) and send your lawyers in for the kill on that douchebag you married and had children with.

Seriously, you are 25 and have your whole life in front of you. And no matter what all these idiots in the media say, you are not fat (You’re not even overweight. Ninety-nine percent of the female population would’ve been pretty happy with your bod). And then we’ll go make sure you start practicing for your next performance, because even though it was clear to the whole world at those idiotic MTV VMAs that you blew the peformance because you A. Didn’t Practice, B. Didn’t Practice and C. Didn’t Care enough to Practice, I fail to believe that if you start busting your ass and fixing the messiness of your life right now, you would be back owning your career again. And filling my head with overly poplicious goodness that I find myself singing at the strangest moments.

We’ll tackle your choices in wardrobe later. And your love of fast food. And the smoking. And then perhaps, if you want, we’ll go visit Madonna. I’d like to see if she still has that pointy-coned bra.

Thanks and talk soon,

– Blondie

ps … If the rumors are true, you need to work with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland as soon as possible. Seriously, ex-boyfriend issues aside, JT is doing pretty damn well for himself.

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